One
Who remembers the end of Animal House … or Stripes? Where they quickly show what happens to the characters years later? Senator John Blutarsky? Niedermayer killed by his own troops in Vietnam? Bill Murray (alias John Winger) becoming a war hero, etc. etc. etc.
Well, we probably all want to know what our own futures hold. I’m not willing to make any promises or guarantees … but, growing anticipation of this year’s event must have triggered a peripheral neurological penetrating apparition – YES, I had a vision. As I slept last night, “scenes” from our futures transcended my cerebral rest, sub-titles and all. You’re a pretty smart group; I’ll leave it to yourselves to psycho-analyze and interpret any hidden or exposed meaning!
Mike Gallickamusketer: After years of investment handling with one of his largest clients, BALCO, Mike begins to experiment with various strains of the human growth hormone HGH. In a matter of only months, Mike grows to 6 feet 7 inches, 265 pounds of sculpted manhood. A Mark McGwire look alike. After changing his name to Goliath, Mike spends the rest of his life dedicated to chasing Dave Biletnerkoff, mocking, humbling and berating him, publicly and privately, reminding him every step of the way of his inferior size and stature.
While traveling, Johnny Galbos is out at a fine dining establishment (if you consider Scotch a whole food) and comes across a patron apparently choking. The quick thinking Galbos puts down his golf score card, wraps his massive arms around the patron and performs the heimlich – saving his life. Weeks later, after the death of Larry King, he learns the patron he saved was the executive producer of the Larry King show. Johnny is given the opportunity to replace Larry King. The new show captures the nation by storm – “The best damn scotch drinking show period”. The United Nations turns to the honored threesome and consults with them on methods for bringing peace to the Middle East. Johnny Galbos is awarded honorary Doctorial degrees from multiple renowned universities – going forward commonly answers to simply Doc Galbos.
After a disappointing round of golf at his local country club, Jeff Kunkel is overheard by the 2018 Olympic planning committee chairman, bitching about the ineptness of the United States Olympic basketball team. Jeff found himself having accepted the head coaching position for the 2018 USA Olympic basketball team. He coaches them to the finals. With a 17 point lead and 3 minutes to play, Jeff is irate about an out of bounds play and referee Steve Bartman ejects coach Kunkel from the championship game. Coach Knight later writes a best selling book about sportsmanship and his tutelage under “Coach K”, entitled “The K and I”.
After prolonged use of hair growth treatments, Eddie finds his body is now genetically disposed to aggressive hair growth. Eddie grows a Tom Selleck mustache, a head full of golden locks and becomes an international icon overnight. Assuming the stage name of “long Eddie” (an innuendo of his tee shots?), he makes numerous films including blockbusters “Eddie does Debbie who did Dallas but only after she did Dave” & “deep rough”, where Dave Bittner makes a guest appearance and yes – finds another “lost ball”.
Dave Bittner spends the rest of his life trying to maintain a low profile. He is spotted occasionally in various venues on the Vegas world series of Poker circuit. He assumes a circuit name of “Dealin Dave”, adopts the grunge look, grows out his hair, a long beard and supports a pair of mirrored sunglasses – wherever he goes.
After becoming regular guests on the “The best damn scotch drinking show period”, Mr. Hawkins and Mr. Belanger are ‘discovered’ and together are cast as the new Dr. Pierce and Dr. McIntyre in a blockbuster remake of M.A.S.H. “We couldn’t have scripted two better choices for these lead roles” an ecstatic Steven Spielberg was overheard saying. “We were searching for two funny, obnoxious and sarcastic guys, who enjoy sitting around, drinking from their make-shift still, fine cigar in hand – THERE IS NO ACTING REQUIRED.”
So … that was my vision. I’m looking forward to another fun-filled event hanging with David & Goliath, Pierce & McIntyre, long-Eddie (tee shots), Doc Galbos & Coach K. Paul, who did you want those checks made out to?
Two
As the story goes, Tretorns were large Mongols originating from Bittnersberg under the rule of King David IV. The Tretorns were dreadfully feared by the perceived smaller and weaker Gallagherites.
On April 9, 1241, Duke Michael Baldasser Gallectager of Liliput, also known as Michael the Pithy, marched out of his city of Liliput (now the Polish city of Legnica) to meet the dreaded Mongols, or Tretorns, as they were then called by the Europeans. The invaders from the east had already attacked Hungry (under the rule of King Edward Khotyan III). Michael’s army was the last left to oppose the mighty Tretorns of Bittnersberg. As he rode through the city, a single stone fell from the roof of St. Galbo’s Cathedral and narrowly missed killing the Duke. The people rightly took it for an omen of misfortune and grave panic erupted leading to centuries of warfare. Only recently were scribed documents discovered indicating King Wenceslas Kunkel I of Bohemia was responsible for throwing the stone that led to 8 centuries of warfare between the Gallagherites of Liliput and the Tretorns of Bittnersberg. Historians are still puzzled by the motive of King Kunkel I, but late ancestors of the Bohemian King claim, “he was having a bad day” and “wanted to see what would happen”.
Michael knew that, only weeks earlier, a Tretorn army had routed a combined force of Poles and Slavs under his cousin Boleslav Belanger V of Scotchkraine and burned Kraków to the ground. He now waited anxiously for the assistance of his brother-in-law, King Kaidu Hawkins IV of the Khwarazmian empire of Persia, who was marching to join him with 50,000 men. His army of about 30,000 consisted of Polish knights, Teutonic Knights, French Knights Templar and a levy of foot soldiers, including German gold miners from the town of Pittsberg. Opposing him was a host of about 20,000 Mongols, commanded by King Edward Khotyan III of Hungary.
To this day, the feud between the Tretorns of Bittnersberg and the Gallagherites of Liliput continues. Fueled and instigated by King Wenceslas Kunkel I of Bohemia, Boleslav Belanger V of Scotchkraine, King Kaidu Hawkins IV of the Khwarazmian empire of Persia, King Edward Khotyan III of Hungary and Archduke Johan Sabastian Galbonians — historians agree — one “small” stone (about the size of a modern day golf ball) has led to generations of endless warfare.
Eight – Committee Assignments
As we continue to grow and evolve the Great 8, it has become clear that the planning and coordination has grown in complexity. Below are the official committee assignments established for 2008 at the Reynolds Plantation. We have established these committees using the same precise methodology and protocol that David uses in establishing our mysterious handicapping system. That’s right; we pulled them out of our ass.
Smoke-em-if-ya-got-em
Chair: Paul Belanger | Co-chairs: Rick Hawkins, Jeff Kunkel, Dave Bittner
Ensure an adequate supply of quality cigars are available for each and every round of golf. Provide method for cutting off the end of the cigar. Provide necessary lighting equipment.
Complaint Department
Chair: Rick Hawkins | Co-chairs: Mike Gallagher
Receive, monitor and filter all complaints associated with the entire annual event. This position has the authority to decide which complaints are frivolous and need to be simply discarded, versus those that have merit and need to be escalated to Commissioner Belanger.
Finance
Chair: Jeff Kunkel | Co-chairs: Rick Hawkins, Ed Bittner
Ensure Gallagher has nothing to do with the process of collecting receipts, totaling, and the ultimate disbursement of funds. Ensure Sarah is reimbursed accordingly and timely for all upfront cash including all deposits and down payments. Track and report on all bounced checks.
Designated Driver
Chair: Eddie Bittner | Co-chairs: Dave Bittner, John Galbos
Has authority to delegate, but must provide advance notice (not 15 minutes prior to departure). Responsible for ensuring Dave Bittner is not allowed to drive to any of the destination courses (including, but not limited to Pinehurst #2).
Shot Pulled Out of Ass
Chair: John Galbos | Co-chairs: Paul Belanger
John has been selected as chair based strictly on a numbers game — more opportunities. Paul has been selected co-chair because he continues to execute with ice in his veins.
Handicap Bitching
Chair: Dave Bittner | Co-chairs: Dave does not allow any
All concerns pertaining to handicaps must be submitted in writing directly to the committee chair in triplicate. Due to the heavy back log of received concerns, please do not expect any response or action — ever.
Weather
Chair: Dan Messing | Co-chairs: Mike Gallagher
Responsible for ensuring appropriate weather conditions are provided for all Great8 events. Takes the blame for all inclement weather and takes the credit for all suitable weather.
Morning Run
Chair: Mike Gallagher | Co-chairs: Ed Bittner
Ensure all interested parties are awake early and get in a good brisk 4 mile morning run in order to sweat out that one unfinished beer from the night before.
Anti-Morning Run
Chair: Jeff Kunkel | Co-chairs: Dan Messing
Ensure as many Great8 members as possible are excluded from the morning pre-round run. Responsibilities include sleeping as late as possible, consuming a large breakfast, obtaining sections of newspaper and reserving necessary restroom time.
Bug Bite
Chair: Eddie Bittner | Co-chairs: as appointed by Eddie
Ensure an adequate supply of boo-boo-bunny band-aids are available for disbursement upon the slightest belief that an insect of any sorts landed on or near someone. Ensure an alarm is sounded upon any insect sightings.
Grocery Shopping
Chair: Rick Hawkins | Co-chairs: Paul Belanger, Jeff Kunkel, Mike Gallagher
Scout geographic locations and target appropriate markets prior to initiation of event. Provide some level of control over eight hungry and diverse men entering a grocery store, walking the aisles and randomly throwing crap into the cart. Ensure a second cart is available for all beverages.
Cleaning
Chair: Dan Messing | Co-chairs: as delegated
Monitor kitchen facilities to determine when pile of dishes is large enough to merit an organized effort to wash, dry and put away. Ensure Mr. Hawkins has no cleaning responsibilities on the evening of Ribs.
Awards
Chair: Paul Belanger | Co-chairs: Dave Bittner, John Galbos
Coordinate and act as Masters of Ceremonies for Saturday evening awards presentation. Appropriately distribute total purse of all wages, prizes and all Sony give-a-ways.
Sportsmanship
Chair: John Galbos | Co-chairs: as appointed by Mr. Galbos
Responsible for the careful monitoring of all Great8 sportsmanship. Responsible for ensuring the selection and presentation of the Great8 sportsmanship award.
Sandbagger
Chair: Mike Gallagher | Co-chairs: Ed Bittner, John Galbos, Dan Messing
Responsible for selecting the largest sandbagger of the Great8. Ensures Paul Belanger does not chair this committee. Responsible for attempting to draft a reasonable explanation of why David Bittner continues to rain strokes upon Mr. Belanger.
Lost Ball
Chair: David Bittner | Co-chairs: John Galbos
As committee chair, ensure that no ball is ever lost. This can include but is not limited to, hitting a ball 220 yards near the left hazard and suddenly locating it 300 yards in the right rough.
Ribs
Chair: Rick Hawkins | Co-chairs: as appointed by Mr. Hawkins
Although directly related to the Cooking committee, this event is grand enough to merit its own committee. Must interact accordingly with Cooking and shopping committee to ensure appropriate night is selected and necessary ingredients are readily available.
Pretzel/Snack
Chair: Eddie Bittner | Co-chairs: Jeff Kunkel, Dan Messing
Coordinate with shopping committee. Must ensure an abundance of salty snacks is available at all times. May include chips, Doritos, Fritos, funjuns, peanuts, pretzels, pastries, cakes, pies, etc.
Bloody Mary
Chair: Jeff Kunkel | Co-chairs: Dan Messing
Ensure appropriate brand and quantity of Vodka is selected and purchased. Ensure necessary supply of olives, pickles, celery, lime and any other accompanying vegetables. Taste testing is required, has authority to adjust mixture based upon results.
Scotch
Chair: Paul Belanger | Co-chairs: John Galbos, Rick Hawkins
Ensure appropriate brand and quantity of Scotch is selected and purchased. Coordinate with chair of the Designated Driver committee once supplies run out and make the appropriate run to purchase more. Loop and repeat this process until weekend ends.
Beer
Chair: Dan Messing | Co-chairs: Ed Bittner
Ensure appropriate brands and quantities of beer is selected and purchased. Ensure proper temperature of refrigeration — ice cold. Proper mixture of bottles and cans is required. Cans for the course, bottles for the lodging.
Lodging
Chair: Dave Bittner | Co-chairs: Paul Belanger
Must coordinate with venue event planners to review all housing recommendations and approve accordingly. Is ultimately accountable for acceptable level of bedroom, bathroom, entertainment, kitchen and grilling accommodations.
Last Name Plural
Chair: John Galbos | Co-chairs: Not applicable
Ensures Great8’s members names are bastardized by randomly inserting vowels or consonants to anyplace at anytime. Consults Archie Bunker on any pronunciation uncertainties.
Golf Equipment
Chair: Mike Gallagher | Co-chairs: Dave Bittner
Monitor all golf club and golf shoe equipment to ensure acceptable styles and alignment with USGA standards. Mike is to continue with the tradition of giving clubs to Messings (to borrow). Ensure travel bags meet all airline checking regulations.
Make Fun of Gallagher
Chair: David Bittner | Co-chairs: None required
Must continue the esteemed tradition of ensuring the appropriate level of abuse is dished out at Michael’s expense. Responsibilities include misspelling Michael’s name, short jokes, challenged and red hair jokes and continued side action skins domination.
Coordination of Wearing Great8 Wearables
Chair: Mike Gallagher | Co-chairs: Paul Belanger
Responsible for ensuring appropriate coordination and communication of Great8 wearables for respective teams. Ensure appropriate dress of both new and vintage colors are worn and displayed proudly.
Photography
Chair: John Galbos | Co-chairs: Paul Belanger
Responsible for ensuring our adventures are captured digitally for both historic and amusement purposes. Photos should remain tasteful, in spite of the material you have to work with. Photos should be posted and shared electronically.
Take My Ball and Go Home
Chair: Jeff Kunkel | Co-chairs: Paul Belanger
Never really been sure of what this means, but special thanks to Mr. Belanger for coining this phrase and sticking Mr. Kunkel with this title many moons ago.
Cooking
Chair: Rick Hawkins | Co-chairs: Jeff Kunkel, Paul Belanger
Must coordinate with Shopping and Fine Dining committees. Responsible for ensuring each meal has the proper number of appointed cooks. Reserve morning bacon and breakfast sandwich preparation for Mr. Kunkel.
Piss-People-Off
Chair: Paul Belanger | Co-chairs: Rick Hawkins, Dave Bittner, Jeff Kunkel
A new committee specially formed after last year’s TrionZ episode where Mr. Belanger chose to buy a gift for only a select few and to hell with everybody else. This will not soon be forgotten and is hanging in the locker room.
Travelling Beverage Committee
Chair: Dan Messing | Co-chairs: Jeff Kunkel, John Galbos, Ed Bittner
Must coordinate with Scotch, Beer and Bloody-mary committees. Ensure beverages are readily available for golf course travel. Ensure Kunkel hits the sauce early before he has an opportunity to heat-up.
Sunrise/Sunset
Chair: Jeff Kunkel | Co-chairs: Dan Messing
This committee really has no responsibilities other than to ensure the sun rises each morning and sets each evening. This committee is a token responsibility only.
Sunscreen and Lip Protection
Chair: Eddie Bittner | Co-chairs: Mike Gallagher
Must coordinate with sunrise/sunset committee. Ensure that Eddie’s precious lips remain wet and moist and do not dry, crack or chap during the heat of intense competition. Preferences include the selection of a non-greasy, dermatologist tested, lightly fragranced formula that can shield the skin six layers deep.
Next Year Venue
Chair: Paul Belanger | Co-chairs: Mike Gallagher, Dave Bittner
Commissioner must appoint responsible parties for the planning of next year’s venue. Appointments are not negotiable, but you may choose to invoke the Gallagher rule and accept — and proceed to do nothing.
Frodo Baggins Cup Bearer
Chair: Rick Hawkins | Co-chairs: as appointed by Mr. Hawkins
Ensure the Great8 cup successfully travels and arrives at designated venue in pristine condition and is available on display throughout the event. Responsible for ensuring a new plaque is made up reflecting the current Great8 victors.
Music Selection
Chair: John Galbos | Co-chairs: Paul Belanger
Ensure adequate Sony appliances are available with a wide array of selected tunes stored and available for our morning and evening listening pleasure. Has final authority on all music selection.
Rise and Shine and Get Out the Door on Time
Chair: Mike Gallagher | Co-chairs: Rick Hawkins
Ensure everybody is up and about with ample time to shower, shave and get the hell out the door on-time. This may include alarm setting, bed jumping, music playing or any means necessary.
TV Remote / Channel Selection
Chair: Eddie Bittner | Co-chairs: Whoever Eddie delegates to
Responsible for keeping the peace and governing the sports program selection. Manages our viewing pleasure amongst all College football, NFL, NHL and MLB baseball playoffs. Ensure no Cubs games are ever televised.
Great8 Website
Chair: Dave Bittner | Co-chairs: Paul Belanger
Responsible for continued maintenance of the existing Great8 website. Responsible for ensuring it remains current with photos, new venue announcements, old venue history, Commissioner Communications and pretty much all Great8 news. Empowered to make any website design modifications.
New Wearables
Chair: Paul Belanger | Co-chairs: Dave Bittner
Ensure new Great8 wearables are selected and designed consistent with acceptable Great8 standards. Coordinate proper sizes with all Great8 members. Ensure all new wearables are delivered to designated venue on-time and distributed accordingly.
